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2002-06-22 i realized today that i might be ready to begin a stage in my life where i CAN explain my ideas/opinions/self to people, but not feel the NEED to. i think this will be a very important and helpful thing for me, because i usually feel compelled to justify my feelings/self to other people or at least attempt to do so. i also always seem to try and adapt myself to other people and present myself in a way that they can understand, which often results in me acting differently around different people. this in turn results in me feeling as though i never truly act like mySELF, and that i compromise myself in order to avoid presenting people with an image of me that would disturb or render useless whatever understanding they currently have of me and my identity. basically, i think i'm ready to stop being afraid of what people might think of the real me, stop feeling a need to rationalize/explain who i am to others, and begin just BEing myself with no explanations. perhaps this isn't the best way to handle myself, but i think it has the potential to be fun and liberating and release me from my current muddle of feelings that mostly involves dreading being around my friends/acquaintances at home here in wisconsin because i don't feel that i'm capable of being my True Self around them the way i'm capable of being my True Self around some (but not all) people at school. i guess i'm just feeling a little better in "touch" with my identity and more ready to reveal it to the world and let everyone stand back (hopefully in awe, heh) with questions that i'll leave unanswered. it's kind of a good feeling. a not-good feeling occurred to me yesterday at work (i work at dairy queen now, illustrious employment time 2002) when i was going into the bathroom and managed to slam the door on myself in such a way that i was shoved against the doorframe by the door and severely injured by both wooden implements. a fun time was had by all, if "all" is taken to include the door and doorframe and exclude me. because i did not have fun at all; in fact, i was very embarassed. at least i didn't bleed or die or anything drastic, because slamming a door on oneself is not the way to go. today, i discovered two apples hidden in my closet. i think i will take them to my horsey next time i go to see her, so she can eat them. i am sure she will appreciate it. also, she needs cheering up, because she is entirely covered in horrendous bug bites. poor lyric! i will look into getting a fly sheet for her and whatnot. she may have to spend more time inside, which is unfortunate, but better than getting eaten up by bugs. bugs are the only bad thing about summer. bugger bugs, i say! as i attempt to be english but FAIL MISERABLY. a miserable failure am i!!! and with that, i depart, to miserably fail some more. yay! |